The Talk

The Talk- Anxiety v.s. Success: Round One. Fight!

I love chasing the arts and feeling accomplished as things begin to work out, but there are days when they don’t.

It’s always hard to keep pushing when things seem to be stagnant and won't let up. I’ve been chasing the arts for most of my life and things seem to not work out more than they do and often times I get very discouraged and even depressed.

I begin to look around at all the others who started where I started and they seem to be so far ahead of me and I think “Why me? What makes me so different?”

Well, I’ve learned over the years that everyone has their own journey, their own battles, and their own way of living. Those things in mind, our lives are going to play out in different ways no matter how similar we feel, act, think, or look.

All my life I’ve dealt with depression, anxiety, self-doubt, and the lack of self-confidence. I’ve relied on other people to tell me whether I was good enough or good at all. I’ve been rejected more than I’ve been accepted. I’ve been hurt more than I’ve been comforted. I’ve been let down more than I’ve been supported. All of this has caused my depression to become more and more severe over the years.

I began to look for answers. I googled treatment. Medications. I’ve tried drugs and alcohol, but nothing works. I thought there was some magical procedure that could reprogram me to be like everyone else I followed and envied. But reality began to sink in. I realized I was searching for the impossible. There is no escaping who I am. There is no escaping me.

After contemplating what to do, how to feel, where to go, and who to talk to. I reached a point of numbness. I couldn't feel a thing. I lost touch with reality. I couldn't talk. I couldn't think. When I tried, nothing made sense. I started to question my existence. “Why am I here? What is my purpose? What’s the point?” I felt outside of my body.

As I sat there, I began to look around. I began to analyze the room I was sitting in. I wanted out, but I couldn't move. I felt so empty. The room felt empty. I wanted to feel something. I knew I had to work hard to think about something else. I started thinking about my fiance’ and my family. I started thinking about love. I started to think about how much they loved me and I loved them. I started to feel the power of love. I started to think about things I loved to do. Acting, Photography, Traveling, Singing, Dancing, Creating, Working Out, Spending time with family. As I started thinking about the things that I truly enjoyed. I looked around the room again. I began to thank God for the things I did have. I began to thank him for the lessons that I learned throughout my life. I began to thank him for the love and warmth that filled my body in the time of need.

As the positivity set it, I began to see the good and not just the bad. I also knew that those feelings were only temporary, but it takes work. It takes time. Some people have to work harder in life and when they do it's so much more rewarding in the end. I made a promise to myself that I would try. I promised myself that I would never give up. I promised myself that in the times when things seem impossible, that I would challenge myself to make it happen. I know that there are still going to come those days where the panic sets in and I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror without crying, but I know that in life there will come tests and trails that I have to overcome in order to conquer the future that I deserve. The future that I already own.

If you’re reading this I want you to know that I am nowhere near perfect. I may not be the best, but I work very hard every day to get through my own battles with myself as well as with my career. Mental health is a scary thing. I didn’t choose to be this way, but I do choose to persevere no matter how hard life gets. I will do my best to make it to the finish line with a smile on my face.

I will always remain the humble, flawed, and anxious individual that I am today because that makes me unique, but that doesn't mean it can’t be followed by drive, success, love, and happiness.

If you’re reading this and you get it. If you’re reading this and can relate. I want you to challenge yourself to go into that empty room and fill it with the things that make you who you are. Fill it with the things and the people you love and that love you. Fill it with peace and warmth. Fill it with goals and ambitions. Fill it with success. Soak in the room. Breathe in the air. Then, focus your mind on what you CAN do and MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Sometimes it’s hard to JUST DO IT, but once you do you’ll see your true self. Your true potential. You’ll realize that you can’t stop there. You have to keep going and never give up. Your goals and dreams are all within reach, all it takes is the extending of the hand. It doesn’t sound easy, but that’s all anxiety does. It cripples you into thinking, thinking, thinking. Sometimes we just need to turn it off for a second. Block out the thoughts. Turn on the light and see that everything you need is right there in front of you.

It wont be easy. Nothing ever is. Accept that. Like a challenge or a game. Take it level at a time and before you know it you’ll look back and see all that you’ve accomplished, all the genuine people that stayed and had your back when things got hard, all those you’ve influenced and helped along the way, and you’ll say “Wow. I did it. I reeeeaallly did it. That was ME” And that, my friend, will tell you that not only were you good enough, but you were the perfect and only candidate for the job.

If you struggle with anxiety, depression, stress, etc and you are okay with sharing please do. I would love to hear how others cope or have reached their goals in the midst of their ongoing storms. This is to help others who may be hurting or stuck like I was and still am from time to time. It took me a while to be real with myself and others about what I go through. It’s a very serious thing and everyone deserves to have someone there.

-What are some things that helped you cope, escape, or regain strength?

-What is something that you accomplished that you were scared of? (big/small-sometimes the smaller things are just as rewarding)

-Fun Fact about you! (haha, I know. We hate this, but it helps sometimes to know you’re good and something or to be confident about a quality that you enjoy about yourself.) It can be an experience or hobby. Whatever you want.

Think on these things with a fresh mind and meditate on them. 

Remember you are good enough. You are somebody. You can change your life one day at a time. Learn to be patient with yourself and everything will work out.

I Love All of you! 

I hope this made sense to someone. My heart is full and I feel like I've gotten something off my chest. 

NOW LET'S GO BE GREAT!

- Kiana "the Perfectly Imperfect Dreamer"